21 Jun Forgiving and being hurt again by the same person. What do you do?
Forgiving and being hurt again by the same person Do you take the risk?
Although it takes 2 to hurt it only takes one to forgive, and that person is you.
Forgiving does not require communication with anyone.
The reason for that is because forgiving is an internal decision, we make to heal ourselves.
It’s not about healing anyone other than ourselves.
That being said many people have judgments about whether or not to communicate with the offender or the person who harmed you in some way, in order for them to feel complete about forgiving another person.
It is an individual decision but be aware if you choose to communicate with the other individual who I will refer to as the offender.
I say be aware because there is an inherent risk, that my telling them we forgive them, we may very well not receive back a positive response.
The other person can easily reject our forgiveness, or they may take no responsibility in agreeing that they did anything wrong.
The other thing that can happen is that they could further harm us emotionally because they may see our forgiveness more as an accusatory act, then coming from the heart, the way that it was intended.
For many people the harm itself was in the form of rejection, and we may be opening the door for further rejection by communicating with them in such a way.
It also underlines that we’ve been harmed by them, especially if we are forgiving someone because of past wounds are hurts going back years.
It gives them power and weakens us as individuals when that happens.
My point is thinking twice and carefully weigh the advantages versus disadvantages before you decide to keep the act of forgiveness within, or to share with others including the offender.
I have done what is referred to as men’s work for many years.
Men’s work is simply and organize gathering of men who share the same needs and values. In my case I’m a member of the men’s group, that among other things teaches the importance of self-care and self-love.
Self-care and self-love apply to all of us men and women children and adults.
To love ourselves, I believe is the 1st step in genuinely loving others.
So how we love ourselves.
A good 1st step, is by healing from the past so that we exchange the negative emotions for the positive ones enabling us to live with joy and peace in our lives.
But in order to do the above, and make it stick, we need to create boundaries in our life, to protect ourselves from known predators.
I use the term “known predators”, as those individuals that we have identified in our lives, as people who have harmed us, and that we have concluded by their continuing behavior it is likely that we will be harmed again.
Pres. Ronald Reagan had an absolute genius philosophy when it came to dealing with the Soviet Union during the Cold War.
He said, Trust but Verify.
When it comes to relationships, nothing expresses the truth more so than the above.
In simple to terms we need to do our homework, meaning that we need to take a current look at the offender, and determine with as much certainty and fairness to both ourselves and them, what is the likelihood of further harm to us, and are we willing to take the risk.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, in my own judgment,
We should not be bound or obligated to be the recipient of harm, regardless of the connection we have with that individual or individuals. Including those in our immediate family!!
What the heart tells each of us regarding our feelings, is not divided are separated by blood, it is separated by our relationship with them PERIOD.
People hurt people. Let’s not make exemptions to that rule, just because of who they are. Can I get an AMEN on this?
Rob Corbin correct